


Failure is Not an Option (It Comes Bundled with Your Microsoft Product)

by kho



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: First Time, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Pre-Series, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 02:32:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7023175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>(Set pre-series, somewhere in the middle of when Danny met (an saved) Toast and when we meet him with Steve.</i>)          “Ooh,” Toast says, grabbing the paper bag and hugging it to his chest, shuffling his koala slippered feet along the floor on his way back to the den.  “Jersey brought munchies.”  He grins at Danny and gives him a slow wink just to see Danny’s consternation rise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failure is Not an Option (It Comes Bundled with Your Microsoft Product)

“Hey.”

Toast grins and leans lazily against the doorjamb, comfortably hazy in his post midmorning-toke-almost-worn-off stage.  “Heyyyy, Jersey.”

Danny’s mouth lifts in a bemused half grin that’s part actual amusement, part disapproval, and part genuine fondness Toast is pretty sure.  He may’ve only met Danny a few months ago but he’s good at reading vibes and Danny’s vibes sing so bright and loud you’d have to be practically blind to not read them.

“I need your help.”  Danny holds up a brown paper sack.  “I bring supplies.”

“Ooh,” Toast says, grabbing the paper bag and hugging it to his chest, shuffling his koala slippered feet along the floor on his way back to the den.  “Jersey brought munchies.”  He grins at Danny and gives him a slow wink just to see Danny’s consternation rise.

That’s his favorite thing about Danny.  That yearning to be the best guy in the whole wide world, that need to be polite and kind and gentle.  Saying yes, sir, and please.  Probably eats with his elbows off of the table when he’s in mixed company.  But just beyond that desire is the actual man beneath it whose just so fucking  _ annoyed _ at pretty much every damn thing.  Toast doesn’t know why it’s endearing, but damned if it isn’t.

So Danny says “Yep, I brought you munchies,” but what he means is “I cannot believe I’m enabling a pothead,”  and Danny says, “oh, yeah, pineapple bong… that’s…. industrious,” but what he means is, “seriously, you’re too lazy to buy a real fucking bong for $20, instead you’re gonna waste an afternoon making a one-and-done bong out of a perishable item?”

Actually, Toast agrees with the pineapple thing.  That’s Bullwinkle’s bag.  Toast prefers a simple doobie.  Keep it real, old school.  Snoop Dogg style.

“Blowpops, nice,” Toast says, pulling out a large bag of lollipops.  “I see you noticed my oral fixation.”

“You were sucking on your pencil the whole time on that Vargas thing you helped me with a while back,” Danny says, distractedly moving t-shirts and pants off of the couch and depositing them ever so gently and politely into another portion of the couch.  As if it would matter if he just shoved them onto the floor.  As if Toast would be insulted.  As if Danny should care if Toast would be insulted.  “And complaining that it didn’t taste like cherries.”

“Ohhh,” Toast says, grinning hugely.  “God, that was the best pencil man!  It really did taste like cherries for  _ months,  _ brah.”

Danny’s nose wrinkles as he finally sits down on the couch next to him, smoothing his khakis down.  Toast isn’t sure if it’s about the fact that his chinos and penny loafer wearing butt is sitting on a second hand bought off craigslist paisley and tomato soup stained couch, or that Toast remembers tasting a pencil.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just tell me you sucked on a pencil for months because it tasted like cherries,” Danny says, and produces a heavy clunky and huge laptop out of his carrying bag and puts it on the table next to the bag of supplies.

Of course Jersey has an HP.  Toast snorts to himself when he opens the lid and sees that it’s running Vista.  “Seriously, man, you are so cute.”

“I’m cute,” Danny fusses, hands flying out.  Toast’s grin widens.  Second favorite thing about Danny…. Hands.  Hands everywhere.  “Why am I.. how am I… You know what?  No.  Just no.”  Danny reaches into the bag and pulls out a box of twinkies, opening it.  “Here, twinkies, I’m taking one.”

“Mmm,” Toast says, and helps himself to a pack as well, twisting the cellophane off and taking a nice bite, watching the cream poke out of Danny’s mouth on his own bite.  “Love these fuckers.”

Danny grins wide and his face lights up, and Toast’s insides flip.   “God, I know right?”

To say Toast has a crush is an understatement.   He would have had one anyway, with Danny’s golden hair and twinkling cerulean eyes, that broad chest and tight pants.  That ass.  Would have probably jerked off a few times to the memory of that nice haole cop that ruined his life, because let’s face it-- Toast did the crime, he hacked those ATMs, the cop was just doing his job.

But then Danny had actually talked to him.  Paid attention.  Asked questions.  Gotten to know him beyond what the job required, beyond coming in, cuffing him, and booking him.  Then, the guy had dressed up all nice, crisp clean slacks and shirt and deep red tie that made Toast think of his birthstone, and stood up for him in a court of law.  Said he was a wrongheaded kid, but a good one.  A smart one, genius in fact, one that deserved a shot.  Someone to believe in him.  

Because Toast’s parents didn’t parent, they threw money at him and then fucked off on their own.  When Toast had his hearing, his parents didn’t show up for him.  Danny did.

So maybe Toast was working on a little hero worship in addition to his crush.  He could roll with that.  It’s cool.

“Toilet paper,” he says, giggling as he pulls out a four pack of two ply.  “Can’t eat this, man.”

“I know, I just thought…”  Danny shrugs, looking around and seeming almost embarrassed.  “I mean, listen, you’re like Grand Central Station here for all your jackass stoner friends, and I bet not a one of them ever buys you any toilet paper.”

“Nope,” Toast says softly, bumping his knee against Danny’s.  “Sure don’t.  Thanks.”

Danny bumps him back and smiles at him and there’s just moments \-  moments like that, Danny looking up at him like that, eyes hooded slightly with that smile on his face \-  when Toast thinks maybe.  Maybe Danny feels it too.  Maybe Danny’s flirting too.  “No problem.”

“Funyuns,” Toast says, pulling them out, “twizzlers,” and the last thing makes him close his eyes and moan.  “Tootsie rolls, the big kind.  I’m kind of in love with you, Jersey.  Just thought you’d want to know that.”

Danny laughs and ducks his head, the very tips of his ears turning just the slightest shade of pink.

“So whatcha need,” Toast asks, slouching back on the couch next to him, bringing the laptop with him and propping his feet up.  “Were you looking at porn and got a virus?  Think before you click man, not worth it.  So many legit sites these days.”

“No.”  Danny blinks.  “What?  No!  No, I wasn’t looking at…”  He stops and scrubs his hands into his eyes while Toast grins at him.  “No, damnit, I wasn’t looking at porn.  My daughter downloaded some stupid Go Fish game or… Sims or… some fucking game and now every time I try to do anything it just… spazzes out on me.”

Toast arches an eyebrow at him.  “Okay.”

“I wasn’t!”

“Mmm hmm,” Toast says, rebooting the computer into safe mode and standing up to go fetch his own laptop and a usb stick, before sitting next to him again.  “Whatever you say, Jersey.”

“Look, I watch my porn like a normal human being, at two am on the dvd player with it cued up to my favorite part, I’m in, I’m out, no muss, no fuss, off to sleep I go,” Danny says, hands darting and pointing and slashing all over, cheeks blushing regarding the subject matter.  “Besides, I don’t know how to do that whole blocking shit you do with kids so I don’t want her stumbling across Daddy’s history and having to answer things like Daddy what’s fellatio? Just no, no, no, no and no again, thank you, no no no no!”

By the time Danny’s done, Toast is doubled over cracking up laughing and clutching at Danny’s arm.  “Man, jeez, your face, oh bless you,” he says, reaching up to wipe at his tears.  “Oh, you poor poor… First, I’m going to tell you about redtube.com, because my man, it is your friend, and it doesn’t come with viruses, and second…”  He giggles some more.  “I’m going to hook you up with filters and a ghost browser because no.  No one’s kid needs to be asking them what fellatio is.”

Danny exhales loudly, crosses his arms over his chest, and closes his eyes as he lays his head back against the couch.  “Whatever,” he mumbles.

Toast laughs a bit more as he sets up his programs to run and then sets the computer to the side.  “So did you want to wait around or come back and pick it up later?”

Danny reaches back and scratches at the back of his neck.  “I mean, how long are we talking?”

“Hour or two,” Toast says.  “You’re totally more than welcome to stay, it just may be boring for you.  I mean, I can sleepwalk my way through this.”

Danny gets a look on his face and looks down at his watch.  “Well, it’s not like I have anyone to do anything with, so what the hell,” he says, and then Toast places that look.  Loneliness mixed with a heavy dose of bitter.  

It makes Toast feel bad for him, so he reaches over and plucks another two pack of twinkies out of the box, opens it, and hands one to Danny. “Then settle in, man, I’ll put on some Zeppelin.”

Danny nods.  “Nice.  Love them.”  He’s just biting into the twinkie and Toast is just thinking about the inherently phallic shape of the sugary confections --   bursting with cream in the middle, at that--    when his phone rings and Danny’s mood goes from his normal borderline annoyed to furious and stressed before he even picks up.  “Hello, Rachel.  How may I help you today?”

Toast shivers at the positive ice dripping from Danny’s tone and pities whoever this Rachel is.

“Yeah, I… Rachel.   Rach.  I know.  I said I know.”  Danny’s jaw clenches so hard Toast can hear the grinding from where he sits.  “I know that, Rachel, how is that my fault?  I didn’t tell her to… Rachel she did it to my computer too!  I can’t even look at my emails!  Are you… are you kidding, of course I watch her when she’s on my computer, Rachel, and I watched her install this stupid asinine game and kill it but yes, I watched her the whole time.  May I point out, she did it to yours too, so that makes you just as negligent as me!”

Ah.   The ex then.

“As a matter of fact I am currently, at this very moment, getting it de-fucked, Rachel.  Fine.  Fine, would you like me to get yours fixed as well?  That’s fine, Rachel, I will come get it tomorrow.  Fine.”

“Hey,” Toast says, reaching out to touch Danny’s knee.  “Want me to fix it?”

Danny nods and points at the phone.  “I’ll just grab it tomorrow before work and swing it by.”

“I can do it now without you even having to bring it to me,” Toast says, motioning for the phone.  “Can I talk her through remote access?”

“Rachel my computer guy would like to talk you through whatever the hell remote access is so he can fix it, do you think you can talk to him without emasculating him and making him feel three inches tall?  Great.  Fantastic.  Wonderful.  Here you go.”

Toast takes the phone and is pleasantly surprised to be greeted by a crisp English accent and a perfectly pleasant attitude as he quickly and efficiently walks her through granting him remote access to her laptop.  “So you’re gonna be seeing the mouse moving all by itself, don’t freak.  You’re not haunted, I swear.”

Her laugh is is lovely.  “Thank you… beg pardon, did you say your name is Toast?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Well yes, thank you Toast.  I very much appreciate you cleaning this off of my computer.  Grace’s game has really done a number.”

“Yes ma’am, they do tend to,” he says, and then hands the phone back to Danny and starts setting up the programs to run on hers as well.

“I’m really not as much of a dick as you must think I am now,” Danny says quietly a few moments after hanging up.  “She just…”

“Hey, all that conversation made me think was that it sucks that you went from a marriage to that,” Toast says, glancing at Danny quickly.  “That’s where my judgment ends.”

Danny meets his eyes for a second and then nods, smiling.  “Yeah.  Sucks is one way to put it.”

There’s a long period of comfortable silence where Toast is working on Danny’s computer and Rachel’s through his own and then the headache starts to come and Toast bites his lip and risks a glance at Danny, who is flipping idly through a Mad Magazine issue he found in a crevice in the couch.  

“Okay Jersey, are you here as a cop or a friend?”

Danny look up at him, surprised.  “What?”  Then he frowns.  “Did your ass friends get you into something again?  You gotta get better friends man, just because I--”

“Relax, relax,” Toast says, holding up his hands and letting out a laugh.  “No more felonies…”  He frowns.  “Well.  Except the one.”

Danny frowns at him.  “The one.”

“Though, really it’s just a misdemeanor, if you don’t go looking for my stash, not that I have a stash, or anything to stash in said stash  _ if _ I had a stash--”

Danny rolls his eyes.  “You’re talking about pot.”

“Yeah,” Toast says, nodding.  Then, squinting his eyes.  “Theoretically.”

“Okay, theoretically, let’s say I’m not a cop right now…”  Danny motions with his hand.  “Why?”

“Because.”  Toast thinks and sits back.  “Because you see.  Theoretically.  In a way.  In some ways.  In  _ several  _ ways, what I am doing now is…  I don’t know if I want to say easier but, somewhat less annoyingly mundane and repetitive and time consumingly, ya know, mind-numbingly--”

Danny puts his hand over Toasts mouth.  “You’re saying if you smoke this’ll get done faster?”   Toast nods.  “Then smoke.”  Danny takes his hand off Toast’s mouth and wipes it on Toast’s shirt.  “I don’t care.  Smoke your last brain cell away, just make my shit work please.”

“Shootz,” Toast says, and then darts forward and grabs a Deadpool tin and opens it to grab one of about thirty joints.

“Wow.”

Toast looks over to see Danny covering his eyes.  “What?”

“I just, really wish I hadn’t seen just how many joints you had in there already rolled.”

Toast grins and lights one end.  “Don’t worry, the only way I intend to distribute this is into my lungs.”  He offers the lit joint to Danny.  “Wanna?”

Danny gives him a withering look.

“Suit yourself,” Toast says, taking a puff and holding it in as he starts to run a few processes on Danny’s computer.  “Just saying, you’re a little keyed up.  Could do you some good to unwind.”

“I will unwind when I get home the good old fashioned, wholesome, American way,” Danny says, holding his hands up in front of him to ‘paint the picture’.  Toast feels for a second like he can actually see it.  “Beer, and maybe an old football game or baseball game on ESPN.”  He smiles, closes his eyes, and shakes his head.  “I love cable.”

“Whatever man,” Toast says, and doesn’t bother to point out that this shit is really, really, kind of obnoxiously potent shit, and this room doesn’t have good ventilation.  He really can’t be blamed for contact high and besides, Danny deserves it.

“Why do you do that,” Danny asks, hitting Toast on the arm.  “I mean, seriously.  MIT?  I would give my left arm to be that smart.”

“You’re smart, you aced college,” Toast says, and then thinks… oops.

Danny narrows his eyes at him.  “Excuse me?”

“So maybe I hacked into Honolulu and Jersey PD to look you up.”

Danny throws up his hands.  “Quit telling me the illegal things you do!”

Toast giggles.  “Sorry.  I was trying to figure out if you were shady or not.”  Off Danny’s look he shrugs.  “What?  You just met me, don’t know me from a hole in the ground, and go toe to toe with a judge for me based on what…. Some gut feeling you have that I’m a decent guy?”  He shrugs again.  “Thought maybe you were planning on using me too.”

Danny actually looks sad for a moment as he pats Toasts knee.  “No, but I’m glad you’re looking out for yourself.  I guess that’s a downfall to being so damn smart huh?  People using you?”

“But the upfall,” Toast says, and then frowns.   “Side.  Upside, is that when they do and I figure it out?”  He grins hugely.  “I can dole out some seriously painful just desserts when apropos.”

“Speaking of,” Danny says, reaching into his back pocket for his wallet.  “What do I owe you?”

Toast frowns.  “Speaking of what?  Owe me what?”

“Using you,” Danny says, grinning a bit self deprecatingly.  “I’m using your computer skills myself, right?  I should be paying you for them.”

“Naw man, that’s what the twinkies and blowpops and tp is for,” Toast says, knocking his knee against Danny’s again.  “Everything’s good brah.  What were you asking me?”

“Oh, why do you smoke your life away like this,” Danny asks, spreading his hand out expansively to encompass the whole room.  “Mind like yours you could be a millionaire by now the way computers have taken over the world.  Instead you’re killing brain cells one joint at a time, wasting away on your parents’ money.”

“First,” Toast says, puffing on his joint and holding up a finger while he holds in the smoke.  Letting it out, he coughs a bit.  “I’m not entirely convinced smoking pot actually kills brain cells?  I mean, that’s something people say like masturbating makes you go blind, but do you have issues seeing?  If that was true, no man would have sight.”

Danny laughs.  “Okay, fair enough.”

“Plus there was a study done in 2003 that actually showed no real correlation between decreased long-term cognitive brain function and marijuana.  There was some mention of ‘abnormalities’ found in the brains of long-term pot smokers, but it was never definitively distinguished if a user’s brain was strange because they smoked pot, or if they smoked pot because their brain was strange.  It’s a valid distinction.”

Danny nodded slowly.  “Uh.  Okay.”

“Second,” Toast says, ticking off the point on his fingers. “The less stressed out a person is, the more productive they tend to be, in most cases.   And there’s no argument that pot is certainly a de-stresser.  Third, look at how many things over the years researchers have found pot to be medically valid for.  Seizures, pain management, depression, glaucoma, nausea reduction.”

Danny laughs.  “Are you one of those guys at the back of every single protest, no matter what it’s for, holding up the Legalize Pot sign?”

“I don’t do my protesting in person,” Toast says dismissively.  “But fourth, to answer your question… pot helps me see patterns.”

“Patterns.”

Toast nods.  “Yeah, man, patterns.  Codes.  HTML, ASCII, C+, JAVA, codes, all of it, is basically patterns.  Ones and zeroes, man.”  Looking at Danny, he looks utterly and completely lost.  Toast laughs.  “You ever see one of those find the sailboat painting things?  And it says look at the center and let your eyes unfocus and then suddenly the hidden picture will be revealed?”

Danny nods.  “Never, not once, have I see that hidden picture.”

“That’s because it’s hidden under all those ones and zeroes, Jersey.  You gotta clear all the detritus out and unhinder your mind and that’s why they tell you to stare at the center point.  You stare at that center point and all the surrounding shit filters into your brain whether you notice it or not, but because you’re not counting each individual leaf anymore the tree makes itself known.”

Danny’s nose wrinkles up.  “Huh.”

“That’s what pot does for me,” Toast says, nodding and grinning.  “That staring at the center, focusing on it, making all the surrounding chaos shut up.  Zoning into that center.”

“So when you say that pot actually increases your productivity, when you say you work better when you’re high…”

“It’s because it’s actually legitimately true,” Toast says, and then grins.  “Plus, the high is nice too.”  He waves his hand in the air.  “All floaty and happy like.”

Danny’s gaze drops to the joint.  “Huh.”

Toast holds it out.  “C’mon.  Tell me it wouldn’t be nice to chill the fuck out just once?”

“I’ve done it before you know,” Danny says, looking up to meet Toast’s eyes.  “Once upon a time I wasn’t a cop, I was a punk kid in Jersey, getting high and running with maybe the wrong crowd.”

Toast arches an eyebrow.  “I actually don’t find that to be that much of a stretch.”

Danny takes the joint from him and frowns down at it, looking at it like maybe the joint has a few answers for him.  “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about the zoning part, it always made me forget everything.  Nothing stuck.  Everything just floated away and everything was funny.”

“Yeah, but,” Toast says, leaning back up to tap a few keys on the the keyboard, switching processes, typing away, “does that sound so awful right now?”

Danny doesn’t answer, and when Toast looks up Danny’s letting out a huge cloud of smoke through his nose with his eyes closed.  “I’ll deny it to my dying day, Toast, I swear to God you tell  _ anyone _ .”

Twenty minutes later the computers are busy running their de-virusisfying and de-spywareification programs and Toast is settled back on the couch curled up on himself and watching Danny talk a mile a minute about… well shit.  Fucked if Toast knows.

“-- it’s just absolutely, no, no, just no, okay, it’s noooo,” Danny is saying, one leg drawn up on the couch between him and Toast and tone earnest as hell.  “It’s not okay, Toast, it’s not.  It’s… fruit does not go on pizza.”

Toast smirks.  “Are you still on about pineapple?”

“It doesn’t!  I mean, okay, it’s gross but ham, ok.  I don’t want ham on  _ my _ pizza but okay, fine, it’s meat, okay fine.  Sausage.  Hamburger meat.  I mean, far be it from me to deprive you from what you like even if you obviously have little to no ability to understand the finer points in life, but it’s gotta be meat, okay, meat. Meat!”

Toast lets his eyes travel down to Danny’s throat while Danny talks, watching his Adam’s apple bob.  His hands conduct their symphony with his Adam’s apple the metronome, keeping time to the litany of words that spill forth out of his mouth like verbal bullets, percussive drumbeats that collect in Toasts head and rattle around like some oddly soothing thunderstorm.

“--  say even bad pizza is better than no pizza but I just don’t agree, but my thing is, why don’t they get it? Why doesn’t anyone here get it, Toast?  No one gets it.  The beauty of one pure slice.  Just, one clean, pure, perfect slice.  Mozz, sauce, dough.  It’s… it’s just… you take a bite and the  _ cheese _ ,” Danny says, and his voice sounds like sex for a moment and Toast lets his eyes roam back up to his face.  

Danny’s eyes are closed and his expression is dreamy and his voice is low and soft and a caress, and Danny is usually red and brilliant and angry and deep and dark but right now he is just below that, just a shade or two off, still distinctly him, still Danny, but more amber than crimson, and utterly beautiful.  

“The cheese, it drips between the slice and your mouth and Toast it’s… it’s….”

Toast leans forward and presses his mouth to Danny’s, hand coming up to cup Danny’s jaw, closing his eyes and chasing after the taste of remembered mozzarella and tomato sauce and cheese and Danny.

“Perfection,” Danny says when Toast leans back finally, and Toast opens his eyes to be met by confused blue.  “What was that?”

“Surely you knew I had a crush on you,” he says, licking his lips and staring at Danny’s mouth.  Danny licks his lips too, mirroring him, and Toast doesn’t know if Danny’s gay at all or bi at all or interested at all, but he’s not punching him.  He’s not pushing Toast away or yelling at him or cursing him out, so Toast stays there, breathing his air, and meets his eyes.  “You had to know.”

“I thought,” Danny says, and he swallows and blinks, but doesn’t avert his gaze.  “Maybe, I thought.”

Toast leans forward again and presses their lips together gently, and Danny doesn’t move away, he doesn’t move at all.  “And?”

“And I’m flattered,” Danny says quietly.

“Flattered,” Toast says, swallowing.

“I like it,” Danny whispers, his eyes falling down to land on Toast’s mouth.  “Uh.  A lot.”

“Yeah?”

Danny nods, still eying Toast’s lips.  “Uhuh.”

Toast kisses him again and this time Danny moves back against him, a hand curving around Toast’s neck and holding him close as Danny opens his mouth to Toast’s and their tongues touch briefly before Danny pulls back again.

“I don’t.”

Toast runs his hand down Danny’s neck, thumb brushing over Danny’s Adam’s apple, watching it bob as Danny swallows thickly.  “Don’t?”

“Not looking for anything permanent,” Danny says, eyes flicking back up to Toast’s.  “I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

Toast laughs.  “I’m the one who got you high and then made the move.”

“Yeah, but,” Danny says.  “I’m not…  You have a crush and I…”  Danny clears his throat, leaning further back.  “And I’m not gonna say I’m not interested, but I don’t have any inclination to…  What I’m trying to say is--”

“Not proposing to you, Jersey,” Toast says, rubbing his fingers against the back of Danny’s neck like a massage.  “Just saying, I’m interested, you’re interested, maybe we just ride that wave.”

Danny’s mouth quirks on a half smirk.  “Wave.”

“I said I had a crush Jersey, not that I was sitting over here pining for you,” Toast says, scratching his nails up into Danny’s hair and enjoying the shiver he sees Danny give at that.  “I think you’re sexy.”

“Yeah,” Danny asks.

“Hell yeah.”

Danny shifts his leg off the couch and slides closer, pulling Toast forward with the hand around his neck as his other hand reaches up to thread through his hair.  “So this, as a one time only thing--”

“Totally fine with that,” Toast says, and then Danny’s mouth is cutting off anything else he would have said and he moans into the kiss, reaching up and winding his fingers through Danny’s tie, curling it up and pulling Danny forward tighter against him.  “Take this off,” he mumbles against Danny’s mouth.  “It’s choking me.”

“You,” Danny says laughing, reaching up and yanking at the knot of the tie to loosen it, pulling it off with Toasts’ help, “I’m the one wearing it.”  He tilts his head back and to the side when Toast leans forward to suck on his neck, humming as Toast’s fingers fumble to unbutton the first button of his dress shirt.

“Yeah and it’s choking me, just looking at it,” Toast says, biting and licking his way up to Danny’s ear, loving the way Danny’s breath catches.  “But it looks real good on you.”

The hand that’s in Toasts hair grips it suddenly and pulls him back and then Danny’s growling into his mouth, panting and licking into it, fast and desperate and so good.  It only gets better, hotter, when Toast slides his hand down Danny’s chest to his khaki covered cock, feeling the length and weight of it through the material, making Danny growl again and his hips jerk just slightly.

The computer bings and Toast pulls back, putting a finger on danny’s lips.  “Hang on,” he says, and then bends forward to switch processes and type a few things in before he comes back…  to the most confused expression he’s ever seen on Danny’s face.  “What?”

“Did you seriously just leave me hanging for  _ a computer _ ?”

Toast laughs.  “Well do you want it fixed or not?   If I don’t switch it over to the next sequence I’m gonna have to start ov--”

“Clearly I’m doing something wrong,” Danny says, and then reaches down and hooks his hand under Toasts left knee and hauls him up and over him until Toast is straddling him, running his hands up Toast’s back and pulling him down into another kiss, hand sliding up from Toast’s knee to his own hard cock, “Maybe not though, because you’re just as hard as I am.”

Danny tasted like twinkies and Toast grins into the kiss.  He reaches down and undoes the button to Danny's khakis and moves aside the underwear to wrap his hand around his cock, loving the way Danny freezes for a moment and shudders out a breath.  “How long’s it been for you?”

“Too fucking long,” Danny grinds out, voice low and gravelly and it  _ does things _ to Toasts insides. Curls its way down his spine and wraps around his cock and makes him impossibly harder.  Danny's hand presses down over him and Toast sighs into it, ripping his mouth away from the kiss cuz he can't breath otherwise. Danny’s taking all of his air. 

“I didn't come over here for any of this,” Dannys saying as his fingers work on Toasts jeans’ zipper, button already undone, fingers hot on Toast’s skin where they brush against it.  “You're a bad influence, I should arrest you, lock you up, I’m not this person, I don't smoke anymore, and I don't fuck around with a guy on his second hand shit couch in his stoners’ den at 4pm on a Wednesday.”

Toast tightens his grip on Danny's cock and listens to him hiss out, feels him exhale against his neck. “We could stop,” he says and doesn't mean it at all, proves he doesn't by swiping his thumb over the head of Danny's cock, other hand tightening in Danny's hair. “You could put me in cuffs if you want, but that might limit my ability to jerk you off….”

“God, just shut up and get off of me and take your pants off,” Danny growls and shoves him away, lifting his own hips as he tugs on his pants and kicks them off, motioning impatiently for Toast to do the same.  Grabbing Toast’s waist he pulls him back on top of him and wraps his hand around both of their cocks at the same time and locks eyes with him.  “You planned this all along didn’t you?”

“You’re right,” Toast says, smirking at him.  “I figure out who your wife and daughter were, told your daughter to download this game onto your computers, and then got one of my wizard friends to cast a spell on you that ensured you’d come to me to fix it.”

Danny’s eyes narrowed.  “Do you really have a wizard friend?”

“Actually?  No. Dungeons and Dragons?  Yes.”

“Don’t talk to me about Dungeons and Dragons when I’ve got my hand on your cock,” Danny says, sounding horrified but the slight tilt of his mouth means he’s amused so Toast just leans forward and kisses him, reaches down and wraps his hand around Danny’s, pumps their fists together faster.

“God, Toast…”  Danny’s hand comes to a stop and suddenly he’s laughing, pulling back and leaning his forehead against Toast’s shoulder.  “I can’t believe I’m fucking around with someone whose name is actually Toast.”

“Okay, seriously,” Toast says, rolling his eyes but laughing too.  “It’s a handle, okay, it stuck, I like breakfast!”

“A handle,” Danny repeats and then he’s laughing even louder, eyes sparkling, mouth stretched wide in amusement, and wow.  Not generally something to strive for, being laughed at while in the middle of having sex, but on Danny it’s so gorgeous.  “Seriously.”

Toast knocks Danny’s hands out of the way since he’s too busy laughing to be doing anything useful and takes over, wrapping his fingers around Danny’s cock and stroking up slowly as he leans forward and bites Danny’s neck, kind of hard as punishment for laughing.  Danny’s breath catches and he lets out a grunt and suddenly he’s not laughing anymore, his hands falling to Toast’s thighs and gripping them tightly.

“Call me Adam if it fucks you up that much,” Toast says, licking up Danny’s neck to his ear, nipping at it.

“Oh god, just shut up,” Danny grinds out, bucking up into Toast’s fist as he reaches over and gets his hand back on his cock, looking up to catch his eye.  “I haven’t done this since college.”

Toast grins.  “Gotten laid?  Now  _ that  _ I don’t believe.”

“No fucked around with a guy while high,” Danny says, and then twists his hand viciously tight around Toast, making his toes curl.  “Don’t piss me off while I’ve got my hand on your cock, man.”

Toast just grins at him and then leans forward and bites at the side of Danny’s neck to hear the way his breath catches in his throat before he moans, stretching against Toast and pressing closer to him.  “Like that huh?”

“Shut up,” Danny says, his voice wrecked, and Toast licks up his neck to his ear, “just keep, yeah, just keep, like that, fuck, Toast, god…”

Danny’s hand jerks him faster now, tighter, with more intent, but Toast takes his time on Danny’s neck, loving the way it makes Danny writhe under him.  The way it makes Danny’s free hand grip into Toasts’ leg and the noises that come out of him as he scrapes his teeth along the tendon on the side.

“You gotta,” Danny hisses against his neck, choking out a moan and shuddering just slightly before continuing.  “God, just, please, I gotta come, faster man, c’mon.”

Which is just as well for Toast because he’s been holding back from his own for a while now, riding the edge between coming and not, waiting for Danny to catch up and hoping he doesn’t, just because he loves the way Danny sounds. The way Danny feels under him.  The way Danny begs.

Toast bites down once more and pumps his hand tighter and quicker and then Danny is coming beneath him, deep guttural growl driving Toast to his own orgasm.  Danny pants under him, he moans and grunts and writhes and Toast squeezes his eyes shut and just rides it out until it’s over.  

Danny reaches up and grabs his face and kisses him once more, soft and thorough and perfect.

The computer bings again and Toast slides off of Danny and crouches in front of it, typing quickly and switching to yet another process.  Standing he pulls up his pants, turning to face Danny.  At Danny’s perturbed expression he throws up his hands. “What?!”

“Ever heard of the afterglow,” Danny asks, stretching slowly, throwing his arms up to pop his back and squeezing his eyes shut.  “It’s called coming down. Not get off me as soon as you’ve come and go back to my computer.  I feel abandoned.”

“Uh, okay, didn’t think you’d be the chick,” Toast says, and then cracks up when Danny kicks his leg out to squarely hit him in the ass.  “Just saying.”

“I’m gonna hit the head,” Danny says, standing up and pointing back towards the hallway.  “Get me something to drink, huh?”

Toast salutes him.  “Sure thing, Detective Williams.”

Danny’s mouth twists in amusement even as he tries to look serious.  “Shut up.”

Toast fixes two sodas and sets them on the table, then heads to his room to clean up and change into sweats, and by the time he gets back into the den Danny is stretched out on the couch with one arm thrown over his eyes, one arm thrown over his belly, and a big grin on his face.  Toast spends about a minute cataloguing that before squatting onto the floor to get back to the computers.

About an hour later he’s drank both his soda and Danny’s abandoned one, and the computers are restarting (hopefully) one final time when the phone rings.  Checking his own pocket he realizes it must be Danny’s.  “Hey,” he says, smacking Danny in the leg.  “Phone.”

Danny grumbles but doesn’t move.

“Yo,” Toast says, reaching into the pocket of Danny’s pants himself and throwing the phone onto Danny’s chest.  “Phone.  Might be important.”

Danny fumbles his hands on his chest until they grip the phone and he blinks up at it, frowning.  Bringing it to his ear he takes a deep breath.  “Yes Rachel…”  Suddenly Danny’s frown turns into a radiant smile and Toast thinks wow.  Just wow.  “Oh.  Hey Monkey!  Yeah sorry baby I thought you were… Nevermind, how was school babe?”

He sits up and frowns down at his messy shirt, plucking at the Twinkie he’d apparently slept on top of now sticking to his side.  He narrows his eyes at Toast.  Toast just laughs.  “I didn’t do it!”

“Yeah,” Danny says back into the phone, grinning even more.  “Oh yeah my computer’s not a happy camper today.  That's okay sweetheart, my friend Toast is fixing it.  Yes his name really is Toast.”  Snorting he glances up at Toast.  “That's right honey, like what you put jelly on.”

Toast tunes out the rest of the conversation and starts making sure the computers, both Danny’s and Rachel’s through remote access, are running as they should, until Danny’s done talking to his daughter.   

“Hey, can I borrow a shirt man, this is twinkie I know but I don’t know what this is,” Danny says, holding onto his shirt with two fingers and wrinkling his nose at it.   “I’ll bring it back laundered, I promise.”

“Oh yeah, sure man, just go pick one,” Toast says, pointing to the hallway.  “Third door on the left.  If it’s clean, it’s on top of my dresser. On the floor, your guess is as good as mine.”

Danny frowns at him.

Toast finally looks back up.  “What?”

“Closets,” Danny says.  “Hangers.  Clothes go  _ inside _ dressers.  Dirty clothes go in  _ hampers _ .”  He frowns deeper.  “You don’t even own a hamper do you?”

“No, I do,” Toast says, waving a hand as Danny starts walking down the hallway.  “I just use it as a trash bin.”

Two minutes later Danny comes out smoothing his hands over a green shirt that fits him sinfully tightly and Toast finds himself a little speechless.  “Help me out.”

Toast blinks.  “What?”

Danny points at the three images now decorating his chest (writerly note:  [click here to see said t-shirt, I died laughing](http://www.funnyshirts.org/design/19661/chicken-pot-pie?gclid=CjwKEAjwpqq6BRC99aKUkaSjuDsSJAC0pNTVllLHRs4ufMAtn38XgAY2rbFbcEPeSC4IAV1rVFI_KBoCo0Lw_wcB)).  “Turkey weed pi?”

Toast cracks up laughing.  “Seriously?”

Danny nods.  “This is a turkey, and this is pot.”  He blinks and looks at Toast, snapping his fingers.  “Turkey pot pie!”

“Chicken,” Toast says on a chuckle, shaking his head.  “But yes.”  Closing Danny’s laptop he puts it back into Danny’s bag.  “You’re good to go.  And I put a button on your desktop that will erase your browser history so you don’t have to worry about prying eyes, just make sure you use it before your daughter looks at your computer.”

Danny nods, taking the bag from him and smiling.  “Thanks.  Hey, what...”

“Youporn and redtube,” Toast says, grinning.

Danny rolls his eyes, crossing his arms.  “No, I was going to say what do I owe you, jackass.”

Toast rolls his eyes back.  “Danny, seriously, we’re friends right?  I’m not charging you.”

Danny studies him for a moment.  “No, I owe you for your time, Toast, come on.”

“Fine, you owe me twinkies, and pops, and toilet paper.”  Toast feigns like he just rediscovered the package of goodies Danny had shown up with.  “Oh wait!”

Danny smacks Toast upside the head and turns to go.  “Hey, Toast?”

“One time thing, Jersey, got it.”

Toast looks up in time to see Danny giving him a slow once over with a heated look in his eyes, and it makes him tingle.  “Well.  Maybe more than one.  Maybe.”  He points at Toast.   “If you don’t ever,  _ ever _ tell anyone I smoked with you.”

Toast grins and holds up his hands.  “Swear.”

Danny nods and waves and then leaves, the door slamming shut behind him.

Toast grins to himself and lays down on the couch to take his own nap.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr here under [@lovethesnark](http://lovethesnark.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Fanfiction Website  
> MOST of my fic is not on AO3, though all of my H5O and beyond is as AO3 didn't exist yet and it was too much to archive. It can be found on my website at [LoveTheSnark.com](http://www.lovethesnark.com).


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